Stream of Conciousness Saturday

Once again I'll be linking up with Jaime with my Stream of Consciousness contribution for the weekend.  My crazy brain free-writing? Be afraid. Be very afraid!

 

 

Not sure how it got there, but I currently have the song "My List" by Toby Keith in my head. Certainly not one of his more popular songs, so I suppose its got to be one of the lines ringing true for me. Its time that I make time for that...Raise a little hell, laugh till it hurts, put an extra 5 in the plate at church.

Confession: I wrote this through the week. I wanted to make sure I could play along.

Today I read quiet a few chapters of Sh!t My Dad Says while sitting in my car, parked under a shade tree, in the city park. Normally I work out at lunch, but my partner has ditched me these past couple of days. I headed to the library yesterday and was excited to be able to dive into one of my selections today. The dad reminds me a lot of my dad, if my dad would have been a nuclear medicine dude instead of a mechanic/dump truck driver dude.

I've been running around for almost 2 weeks solid. Part of me wishes my life would slow down so I can rest. The other part of me says I can rest when I'm old and do feel like doing anything else. For now I'm burning the candle at both ends, and enjoying most every moment of it. Mostly just excluding the moment my alarm clock goes off in the morning, and afternoons at work when I'm struggling to stay away.

That's my 5 minutes up! Why don't you set your timer and get to writing?

Gratitude - Spelled Out

Its Thursday! 

Sounds like the perfect time to crack open my thankful journal and get caught up!

3720) Mamaw's old lamp, illuminating my reading

3732) Riding bikes with my sister's kiddos

3745) "This is a picture of Jesus at church, which is funny because when Jesus was alive, there was no church." 6 year old theologian.

 3756) Picture sharing

3762) Facebook private message from Mamaw

3775) Giggles with Jay

3784) Chocolate ice cream cones eaten in my parents' garage

3794) Cotton ball clouds

3803) Jay's injury healed enough for basketball at the park

3810) Lou Gehrig jersey + ice bucket video

3820) Spontaneity

3832) Banking error caught in time by Jay

3841) Rows and rows of library shelves

3854) Reading in the park

For what are you grateful this week?

Change of Pace - A What I'm Reading Wednesday post

My bookworm aunt passed a Nelson DeMille along to me. Despite the 600+ pages, I was encouraged by the smart-mouthed nature of the lead character. Had I found my new favorite author? After 200 pages, I had a good handle on the characters and setting, yet somehow I wasn't drawn to the book. As with earlier in the year, the absence of a plot was a glaring omission in this book.

What's a girl in a reading slump to do? Head to the library of course!!! I picked up several books in the adult section, but ended up walking out the one pictured above.

With talks of A Wrinkle in Time movie making their rounds, I decided to check out a middle school favorite. Its been years since I read the book. I couldn't find it, but instead picked up a few other classics.

I know nothing about my final two selections. As I was wandering the stacks, the titles jumped out at me. I'm excited to see what they are like. At the very least they are guaranteed to be quick/easy reads!

What do you have holding your bookmark these days??

Stream of Conciousness Sunday - Brave

Once again it's time to bear the inner crevices of this mind of mine and link up with Jaime for SOC Sunday.

A friend blogged about the song "Brave" this week, I just now saw it, and now I've got it stuck in my head. Fitting, no? "Let the words fall out"

Big plans these next few days, I'm excited about all of it. My sisters kiddos are in town. We had fun last night riding bikes around the garage, pretending we were dinosaurs on motorcycles. At 6, he's still gotta lot of kid in him. The Princess is 10, and very much like an adult so I think I am harder on her. She painted my nails and I found myself wanting to tell her how to do it right. She isn't even an official "tween" not sure why I forget that. She just seems so grown up I guess.

Today is white water rafting, tomorrow jump jam for an adult friends birthday. I love people who refuse to grow old in spirit. Tuesday is the C.A.R.E. Card ministry at church, the Thursday is another night at the track. Hopefully I'll be able to squeeze in dinner with the kiddos on Wednesday.

Jay's leg still isn't 100%, so much of this fun he can't join me for. But he's often a stick in the mud, so I don't know if he would any way. Oop, there is the alarm. The Imperial March. My 5 minutes are up, for this week at least.

The more the merrier! I hope you'll take 5 minutes and join us!

1,000 Gifts - Revisited

While I've been maintaining my thankful journal, I felt as if I needed to refocus. Why am I logging these blessings? What is my goal? For help, I decided to reread Ann Voskamp's 1,000 Gifts.

I've also decided to begin sharing some of them on Thursdays here on the blog again. While I reflect on my blessings daily, sometimes in the evening and most every morning, sharing them once a week is an opportunity to revisit.

In the Old Testament, God repeatedly instructs His people to remember what He has done for them. Tie them on your fingers as a reminder. Write them deep within your heart. Proverbs 7:3 NLT

 Best I can tell, I've been keeping them deep within my heart and haven't posted them since January. Time for that to change. Instead of posting my typical one per 10 listed, I'm going to go with one per page since I have over 700 to catch up on!

3000) Jay helping with dishes

3024) Mamaw on Facebook

3056) Strolling in Gatlinburg with my love

3064) C.A.R.E. ministry with Bible Study class

3083) Pool at dinner

3130) Peaceful destination hike

3137) Cataloochee - Elk!!

3177) Group scavenger run

3205) Facetime with the Little Man on my birthday

3206) Sleep - > Glorious sleep

3253) Sound of rain as I sleep

3258) Allergy shots {uncomfortable thanks}

3371) Smell of rain on asphalt

3379) Repeat Boutique 75% off shopping with the family

3419) CrossTalk Bible study group

3454) Fireball 5K - convo with final finisher

3483) Princess's tea party + candy swap

3500) Jay's timing - >goofy face when I am sad

3518) iRat 2.1 GONE

3525) Wax Muesem

3543) Surprise present/note left on my car from a friend

3570) (((Love Loud))) ministry project - opportunity to serve

3595) Color Run with da parents

3617) Insurance - Jay's injury

3642) Guardians of the Galaxy in 3D

3668) Reading - skill/joy/time/personal library

3702) Work project progression

3712) Coziness of Jay's shirt

Now that I've shared, I want to celebrate with you. What are a few things you are thankful for today? This week? This year?

Monster - Revisited

 In light of recent celebrity news, many people have weighed-in on depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues. Jamie at The Very Worst Missionary re-posted her "Jesus or Zoloft" blog. Brant (former Air 1 DJ) re-posted "Is Jesus Enough?" Ann Voskamp - who's book 1,000 Gifts encourages readers to count their blessings - shared her struggle. And they aren't the only ones. Seems like everyone is taking this opportunity to (re)tell their story.

Initially, I made the decision not to re-share this blog. These gifted writers have said it all - far better than I could. However, with anxiety and depression, isolation is a huge issue. The lie that no one understands is prevalent. As is feeling alone, despite being surrounded by people. 

With that, I once again give you my story. In the hopes that the more of us talk, blog, tweet, or comment about it, the more those in the midst of the darkness will realize they aren't alone.


A couple of weeks ago, I scheduled a doctor's appointment but felt uneasy about it. I've been having issues for the past few months, but wasn't confident that my doctor (who I love and think is fabulous) could really help. That particular Monday was an especially bad day, leading me to finally break down and call the doctor.

My appointment was scheduled for 8:30 the next day. I don't know how it works with your doctor, but appointments are never obtained that quickly with mine unless there is bodily fluid oozing out of an orifice.

In the waiting room, I was the first patient to be called back - despite the fact that others were there before me. The normal nurse was out for the day, and the fill-in chatted me up, helping take the edge off my nerves.

Then it was my turn with the doctor.  I told her my WebMD diagnosis and waited for her to agree with me.  Instead she asked my symptoms.  I twisted my hands as I explained my problems have been more intense the past few months, but I suppose they’ve been around for a while now. 

Family history was then discussed.  I always knew it was a problem most of my family had, but I had never considered it to be significant enough to mention to the doctor.  After only providing 3 examples, she interrupted. 

“Do you ever…”

“Have you ever…”

I answered her questions as honestly as I could.  I cried.  We chatted.  She explained.  I left her office with 2 new prescriptions and a sense of dread in my heart.  How in the world was I going to explain my need for medication to a man who doesn’t believe in medication?  Who had to be begged to go to the doctor when a power tool accident left him bleeding?

Resistance was met – from Jay, my Mother, and from a friend, but not how I expected.  All were showing a loving concern for my well being.  All their points were valid, and taken under advisement.

I am thankful for them.

I’m also thankful that the morning I began taking my medication, my Bible reading plan had 2 Kings 20:1-7 selected for me.  ⁷ Then Isaiah said, “Prepare a poultice of figs.” They did so and applied it to the boil, and he recovered. My study Bible commentary spoke to healing of God, and while some times He works in inexplicable ways other times God uses the current medication of the day for the healing of His children.

Today is my follow up.  I’ve been taking my anti-anxiety medication for over 3 weeks now and am very pleased with the result.  Honestly, I’m not sure how much of my progress is the actual medicine and how much is just the hope that life doesn’t have to be that way.

 I don’t have to live with a racing heart and mood swings.  I don’t have to grit my teeth at work, when someone wants my assistance.  I don’t have to use every drop of restraint to resist yelling “awful!” when someone casually (and out of habit) asks “how are you?”

I will defeat this monster.  Through the power of prayer, hope, and Xanax as needed.

***I’ve had several “been there done that” friends who’ve been willing to chat with me about their journey through anxiety and depression.  I am thankful to have them in my life.  Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you are struggling. 

Stream of Consciousness Saturday

Linking up with Jaime for another round of SoCS.

Things are changing at work, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I should probably write it out in a non-public forum.

My mind is blank right now. Watching Monk. Love this show. Fridays nights they always play a marathon. I should be reading the Nelson DeMille book on the end table. I'm enjoying the story but sometimes I'm just too lazy to read. Make sense? Probably not.

What am I thinking about? Maybe next time I shouldn't do this while a show is on. Hold please.

TV is paused, now I'll add on another minute.

Crap I can't see the clock. How will I know when I'm done?

And why do I have to play by the rules? Sometimes I feel like they suffocate me. I just want to not do the right thing for a change. I don't mean break the law or do something bad, just not do what is expected of me.

If I learned anything from this past week - Jay's injury and $5,000 treatment (covered 100% by my insurance) is that my workplace is Hotel California. Unless I don't get the song. All I know is that I'm never going to be able to leave. Not that I want to, but not having a choice is kind of suffocating.

Jay doesn't know what I'm writing, and he's now singing "it's a jungle out there."

Guess my time is up. The hub-sand is gonna start wondering why I'm not talking to him.

A Training Break?

Since the first of the year, I've been in almost a perpetual state of training. The first 3 months I was marathon training. After Covenant I took a week off and dived into 10K training. After Expo, I took a couple weeks off and started 8K training. Before starting my fall half marathon program, I want to give myself a month of to both mentally and physically recoup. Problem is, I have no clue what that looks like.

I’m registered for a half marathon on November 1^st. In order to complete 12 full weeks of training, I’d have to start next week. On one hand – this half marathon is my major obstacle if I am going to PR at every distance this year. On the other – I’m really ready for a break.

Rest	3.25 mi	3 mi	Track	Walk	Cades Cove	5
6 X Hills	Lower + 3	TI - 800	Upper	3 easy	90 min (3/1)	6
TI - 1 mi	Lower + 3	Easy	Track	3 pace	90 min	7
7 X Hills	Lower + 3	35 SS	Upper	8X400	rest	8
Hal 1M	Lower + 3	40 Tempo	Upper	3 easy	90 min (3/1)	9

Here is the tentative plan, which I kinda think defeats the purpose of a break. Then again if I only run when I feel like it, I might not run at all. How productive would it be to spend the next 3 weeks reading instead of training?

I also considered cross training. Swimming and biking are both strong compliments to running, but I don’t really enjoy either. I should amend that – I don’t enjoy the cycling class offered by my gym, and its difficult to find a good place to ride in my hometown. 

I suck at swimming. I’d get better if I did it more, but I don’t like struggling to do well. Swimming would be good for me mentally and physically. I would stay moving, but have no expectation of myself as far as speed/pace. 

For the same reason, I’m considering keeping the hill repeats. Sure its hard work, but it doesn’t allow for obsessing about pace. Stressing (then feeling like a failure when I don’t meet goal) is the big factor sucking my enjoyment out of running right now.

With Jay coming off of his crutches this week, I’m not sure how long it will be until his leg is in hiking shape. I would love to get back to our Sunday afternoon treks. 

Since the half is a local race, I’ve got several buddies who are planning on racing it. I hope I can arrange for meet ups with them on the weekends for long runs. When I can get motivated (and its not 90 million degrees outside) I love a long run.

Can I borrow $0.02 please?

What do you do between training cycles? Do you try to stay moving in some fashion? How much rest do you give your body? Your mind?

Pigeon Forge 8K - Race Report

I've delayed writing this report because I'm not all that proud of my accomplishment. I know the standard lines - any run is a good run and the like. But there is a difference in knowing and feeling.  Also, I enjoyed this race - up until I saw my result. That's the part that really bothers me. This was a good strong race. I should be proud.

Last week I got paired with an "I run 4 - siblings" so this was my first race to dedicate to my buddy Parker.  He had mentioned that the midnight start was past his bedtime, and, even for a Saturday, it was well past mine! After a good hearty Saturday afternoon nap, and a light supper I felt ready to do this race.

A couple of teammates and I did a nice, easy 1 mile warm-up then headed to the starting line. I ran into my cousin in the registration room, and she found me at the start line. We chatted for a bit while waiting for the wheel chair and hand cycle racers to take off, then we were on our way.  We went out a bit fast, but I was able to dial it back and hit my goal for the first mile right on the nose.

Mile 1 - 8:45

A slight drizzle started just before the race, and it was a refreshing for the first 3 miles. I was careful of my footing (near the paint lines especially) so as not to trip and fall - as I had in warm-ups last year.

Mile 2 - 8:43

There are 2 Ferris wheels in the Pigeon Forge skyline - one smaller (pictured) and one ginormo. I knew that the larger was near the 2nd turn and used it judge how far I still had to go. The course travels south for approximately 1.5 miles, turns and travels north for approximately 2.5 miles, turns again for the final mile (ish). With this in mind, I knew when I passed the Wheel I had about 1.25 to go.


Mile 3 - 8:48

During the first miles, I felt comfortable. I questioned if I was holding back too much. I tried to run as conservatively as possible, not wanting to blow my chances at a PR. I'm on track to PR at every distance this year, and this race is the only 8K on my schedule.

 

In the 4th mile, however, I began to work to maintain my pace. The rain stopped and the air became very humid. Fortunately for me, my parents were stationed just past the 3 mile marker to surprise me with a "Go Super Boo" sign.

Mile 4 - 8:51

While the race is as flat as Tennessee gets, the final turn puts runners on an incline leading to the finish. I always slow down at this point in the race. Conditioning? Starting too fast? I really had to press to keep the feet going quickly enough to not lose PR pace. Still this 0.9 section was much slower than the first 4 miles.

Mile 4ish - 8:59

Because I was interested in seeing my final "kick," I hit lap on my watch to clock the speed of my last tenth. Looking at it, I'm glad I did.

Final 0.1 @ 8:00 pace

According to my watch, I had my PR - by 5 seconds. A little too close for comfort, if you ask me. Chip time was a little more gracious, but still I was disappointed with the result.

Chip Time: 43:57
Age Group: 9/38
Overall: 173/455
 
My report reads much like last year - an easy start, wheezing in the middle, and a struggle at the end. Those few seconds don't reflect the progress I feel I've made this past year. And given different race conditions, it could have easily been 8 seconds the other direction.

I need a shift in my thinking. PRs can't be the be-all end-all for me when it comes to racing. I had a good strong race. I should be proud. How many times do I have to say those phrases until it clicks in my brain?

Randoms in the Stream

Who knew there was never a punter in the NFL hall of fame until now. I mean, what's the big deal?

Yikes he's old.

I wonder what jay would say as to why I'm not responding to his question? It would take more than five minutes to explain. Like that Lori Morgan song "5 minutes" she sings the whole song and the five minutes isn't even gone.

I'm hoping to get in bed soon. Boring.
Blog readers don't care about that. Maybe I should delete that and tack on time at the end. But is that cheating? Surely I'm not the most random person out here.

Sometimes I think I'm the most honest. It's like I lack a filter a lot of people have. Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me. That I can't  just smile politely and say what is expected of me.

Tule. Is that a real name? Sometimes talking serious crap gets too heavy. So we are going to chat about weird names on he football field.
Distraction.

But I still have a minute. Ish. This is honestly harder than I thought.
Ooh done! Finally!

Oops, I Blogged too Soon aka Follow-up Friday

Yesterday's post was written/scheduled on Wednesday afternoon. That evening, Jay said his knee was getting worse. 

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

• He did need a treatment.
• The nurse's name is Denise.
• I have officially met her. 
• I resisted the urge to hug her yesterday.

I continue to ask for your prayers. He's supposed to stay off of it until Monday and we're hoping he doesn't need another treatment.

I'll amend my thanks - What would have been a $5,000 treatment is fully covered by my insurance. If that's not a blessing I don't know what is!!

Since they'll be a lot of couch time this weekend, anyone have movie suggestions to keep my 34 year old kid occupied?